The cafe wasn't much to look at, but Tyler felt the black and red paneling on the walls gave it a special charm. The small space filled to bursting on most mornings, but traffic slowed to a crawl by noon. The cafe sat empty save for a lone table of three customers.
Tyler maneuvered his way around the front counter, balancing a tray on his hand. He dodged chairs that others failed to push back in. "Here you go," he said, setting down the tray. An old woman thanked him with a shaky voice as he handed out each order.
The front door opened, rattling the bell anchored to the frame. Tyler didn't bother to look. He only turned to greet the customer when he everyone else failed to do so. Charles, a man with a beard in desperate need of a trim, stood behind the register counting down the drawer. Max and Clara were nowhere in sight, likely in the kitchen.
Odd, Tyler thought. He quickly glanced over toward the sound of tapping. A woman in her twenties traveled to a booth near the door. She removed a black wool coat and sat down with a hopeful smile. She took off a grey bucket hat, revealing a head of dark red hair cut just above the shoulders.
When he realized he'd have to take her order, he froze. She was blind and he struggled to figure out how to handle it. Should he ask if she needed help with the menu or would that offend her? It didn't matter anyway. He was new, and barely knew the menu to begin with.
The sun lit up her porcelain skin and he couldn't help but stare. It wasn't her vacant stare. She was gorgeous, sure but something was wrong with her eyes. Their color shifted in the setting sun. The color of mellow emerald changed to a pale green.
It wasn't just her eyes. Looking at her made him uneasy. In just a few short seconds his heart raced. This was only made worse by an overwhelming sense of DeJa'Vu. She looked familiar but he knew for a fact that he had never seen her before.
She sat straight, her posture giving her this regal aura. It screamed "I'm too good for you. Don't even talk to me."
Tyler walked over to Charles and pointed out the woman. Charles stared at her. It took him several moments to realize someone was even sitting there. "That's weird. I've never seen her before.”
“You want to handle it?” Tyler asked.
“I can't leave the register." He grinned, grabbing a stack of bills from the drawer. "Why so worried? We both know you like redheads."
"You like redheads?" Max whispered from behind. Tyler was shocked such a small sound could come from such a large man. When Charles pointed at the woman, max nodded and gave Tyler a smile. "Go ahead. Grab a menu and take it over if you want.”
“She’s blind, Max,” Tyler said.
Charles stifled a fit of laughter. “It isn't for her.”
Tyler shook his head, grabbed a menu, and slowly walked toward the woman.
She stared vacantly out the window, as if in thought. When he approached, she slowly cracked a smile. She turned her head toward him. "Hey, you."
Her voice was like silk, a bright and cheerful sound adorned with an accent he couldn't place. He wasn't well traveled, but he settled on Scottish. It was then Tyler processed what she said.
His voice trembled ever so slightly. "I'm sorry?"
“I know we agreed for 8, but I figured I'd come by and say hello."
He blinked at her then mustered a reply, “I think you have me confused with someone else.”
It took her a moment to register the words. "Damn," she said shifting in her seat. Her smile faded. At first, there was a look of acceptance, then a frown.
"It's no problem," he began, raising his hands. He imagined how embarrassing the situation could be. Before he could continue, she cut him off.
She clenched her jaw, her eyes narrowing as she spoke, "You forgot again, and here I thought I made quite the impression.”
“If we've met before, trust me, I'd remember. I'm so sorry, but I have no idea who you are."
"I guess that's true,” she said with a halfhearted smile.
Tyler nodded, then shook his head when he remembered she couldn't see. “What would you like?” he asked, reaching for a pen in his apron.
Her voice took on a darker tone, callous and cold. “Surprise me."
“What?”
"Surprise me," she repeated, her vacant stare fixed to what lied outside the window.
Tyler turned, then turned back, "I didn't mean to upset you."
She took in a sharp breath and nodded. "It's not your fault."
He turned away, his eyes darting over to Charles. Charles squinted, throwing his hands up as if confused. Tyler shrugged as he walked to the back counter, only to hear her voice again, "Nothing is too sweet."
Tyler laughed, "I'm the same way,”
"I know," she began, "We had this conversation last week. You were quite flustered."
As strange as it was, he could almost remember it. This whole conversation felt as if it happened once before. He trailed back behind the front counter and into the kitchen. Max and Charles followed. Clara, a tall and portly woman who rarely lacked a smile, stood at a sink washing used mixing bowls.
“Well damn,” Max whispered, “Took you long enough.”
“Sorry,”
Charles laughed. "Did she order, at least?"
"She said, 'surprise me' and ‘nothing is too sweet.' You sure she’s never been here before?”
“Ladies aren't my flavor, but I’d remember that face." Charles said shaking his head. "Why?"
The following silence sat till the front door opened and Tyler saw the red-haired woman rush out.
Charles let out a burst of laughter. "You scared her off? What the hell did you do?”
Tyler glared. “Nothing. I took an order.”
Max patted Tyler on the shoulder. "We're only teasing. Wonder what made her leave."
"Made who leave?" Charles asked.
Tyler turned to him, tilting his head with narrowed eyes.
Max glanced down, the back to Charles. "I-" he paused and soon after blew out a lung full of air as if blowing the issue away, "... have no idea."
"You seriously don't remember," Tyler asked.
"Remember what," Max replied.
"The redhead you guys were teasing me over less than thirty seconds ago."
Max squinted, shaking his head. "Was she cute?"
Tyler briefly glancing over to the booth where the woman sat. in her haste, she left behind her hat. He had a feeling it was best to ignore it, to not follow and forget it ever happened. He could throw it in the back and maybe he'd never see her again. A part of him hoped as much. Instead, groaned, sauntered over and picked up the hat before rushing out the door.
He looked in each direction. Each held a wide-open view, but the woman was nowhere in sight. He wandered the parking lot, trying to picture her face. The harder he tried, the more difficult it was. His head started to ache, the memory fading as if being forced out of his mind.
He walked to the backside of the cafe. The moment he stepped around the building, he saw her. "There you are."
The woman jumped, throwing a lit cigarette at him with a shout. He dodged the embers and shouted back, "What the hell?"
"Can I help you," she asked, her eyes glaring.
"I work here." Tyler replied, trying to keep his voice down.
Her eyes went wide. "Tyler? I was just having a cigarette. I won't be long."
"You left your hat on the table. I thought I'd..." he paused. "I never gave my name.”
"Yes, you did." she replied, her voice growing louder as she spoke. “You can remember me leaving my hat, but after last weekend, you forgot I existed?”
“Was I drunk?"
"No," she replied, her face twisting as if disgusted. The anger faded as she turned away. She resisted, but soon after started to pace.
"Are you okay?" He asked, stepping forward.
She backed away. She clenched her cane so hard, he could hear the leather on the handle crack.
"I just want to return your hat."
She stood silent, lost in thought. Her shoulders dropped, her face loosening. She raised an eyebrow and reached her hand out. When her fingers grazed the fabric, she took the hat from him. She pulled it back in a slow, cautious motion before putting it on. "Thank you."
He would have left it at that, but the question slipped out. He was curious now. "You’re sure we know each other?"
"No," she replied. "Just let it go."
"What?"
"I don't know you. You don't know me. Forget about it." Tyler tried to speak over her, but she raised her voice. "I said forget it."
She turned and walked away. Tyler followed, rushing to catch up and walk at her side. She stopped, turned on her heels, and reached for his hand. She gripped it, using it as a reference, then tapped the base of her palm against his forehead.
Tyler winced; his vision burred. He struggled to keep himself on his feet as the sound of static filled his head. He wobbled, then fell to the ground in a dull and dreamless sleep.
I didn't (yet) read through it all, but I read the first ~100 words and I've just got to say: I love your writing style. It is vivid and engaging despite the fact the idea of romance slightly disinterests me I'm still interested in your novel. I'll probably have more to say this weekend, should I remember that I said I was going to read this.
Well, I really should alter that a tad. It's not a romance in the sense that the plot IS the romance. There is a lot more going on here. Still working out how best to promote that. XD. I hope you take a look, and thanks for the compliment! I appreciate it, as always.
I like that. I think the problem with your introduction was it focused too heavily on the "romance/horror" split and not enough on the "realistic relationships in a horror world" I managed to keep reading and, let me just say, I love your dialogue. It feels natural and has a good sense of banter to it despite the somewhat... depressing opening scene. Since I always notice grammar, I guess I'll point a few things out, whether or not that's useful(paraphrasing because you can't copy/paste manuscripts) "I have seen it." Morgan said, "many times." Your punctuation is weird. Normally the dialogue tag in the center of text would go with the first half so "I have seen it," Morgan said. If that's the end of the sentences, a period after said. The only time that you put a comma after a dialogue tag into another bit of dialogue is when you split a single sentence into two bits. You should probably write this as "I have seen it," Morgan said. "Many times." This also better places the [line].[line w/ emphasis] on the "many times" bit. "You want to handle it?" Tyler asked, his voice raised. Why raised? Shouldn't he be whispering like the others so the woman doesn't overhear him? I like the mystery of the whole memory of Tyler, especially as we can infer that it's Morrigan. Then you switch perspectives again a bit later and that's kind of jarring. I presume these were in different scenes, but, in this section, there's no break and that made me pause. You're also somewhat inconsistent with your capitalization of "the Static" as you, at least once, don't capitalize it. I'm also interested here to learn more as I've not read anything about the Static. Other than that, I like it. I'm not going to be of much help in terms of ideas, but I feel like your greatest problem is properly splitting between Tyler and Morrigan as I like everything between. It just feels too short for chapters and, unless you plan on randomly switching perspectives throughout the book, you probably shouldn't put it in a single chapter. Good luck there, but it is very well done.
Thanks so much. You're absolutely right on the split perspectives. I try to keep one per chapter. I don't like head hopping, either Effectively, these two scenes are getting rewrites, but they still have to be here for context. I agree though, and I will separate them directly. Punctuation in dialogue is a weakness, and thank you for pointing those out. I will fix them. the raised voice is a brain to writing error lol. ill add the details to make the intent clearer. Dude thanks so much. The dialogue is what i was worried about the most. Naturally, it is a dialogue heavy story, and that banter is something ive really had to work on. it's so relieving to hear the work is paying off. I'll be sure to respond in kind, especially now that Aesontis is on my radar. I've been curious. Thanks so much, and I hope it was enticing enough to make one want to continue in the future.
That's kind of what I figured considering you said that this section was the most confusing part of the novel for you. It do like what you have so far, it just needs to be reorganized in a logical manner. As for continuing in the future, this was pretty effective. I'd love to continue to read the story that you're laying out, at least based on the premise of your story.
Additional organization note that I'm tossing here, for some reason. You might want to move your preface to a chapter called "Preface" or include it in the summary instead of at the beginning of a chapter. That'll feel more natural, especially once you remove(if you haven't already) the other chapter notes.