Chapter 29 - Want

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Winter 4994, 19 Ginmoth 

They didn't linger after the apprentices' execution. Loading those slowest and weakest onto the horses, they set out along the river towards the capital city. Home for many, but not all. Some of the Sorcerers that had been held the longest had come from elsewhere in Swailand, and two had been traveling to the province from outside. Lily, of course, didn't have a home. This had never bothered her before, and even with the darkness and worry lingering in the back of her mind, it didn't bother her now.

She moved about the walkers, keeping well away from the horses, beaming and skipping in the hopes that her exuberance might rub off on a few of their weary faces and down-beaten hearts. What right did she have to mope when she'd only been held for a few hours? What right did she have to feel weak when it had been her strength that did the bulk of the work freeing them?

It wasn't easy. And when it started to weigh on her, she would fall back and walk with Shon and Tuth at the rear of the group to recharge. Until Yua insisted that Tuth be allowed to double up on one of the horses. Besides being the slowest of the adventurers, the Mage walked with his nose in the book, Ryuuko steering him by pulling on his ears, left or right, around obstacles, or occasionally, into them on purpose. 

As night fell, Lily let the other two fire Sorcerers create the light they would need to keep going. She might be able to put on a good show of energy for the others, but even the hours of sleep as Shon carried her through the swamp hadn't been enough to get her back up to full strength. She suspected that the others knew her smile was less than honest and her energy less than abundant. But if they did, they didn't say anything. 

Though they did stop to rest twice more, they made good time, and by dawn, the city gates came into view, silhouetted by the rising sun. The Sorcerers cried out praise, mostly to Soliel, a few to Saint Bede, and a smattering to Horsa. Ragther rode ahead with Raina to alert the Temple of their coming. 

It didn't take long for the Paladin to return, with ten of his sworn brothers and sisters, to escort them the rest of the way. Each of the Sorcerers was pulled up to sit behind a Horsa knight, and though they offered, begrudgingly, to carry Shon's party as well, only Tuth and Yua took them up on the offer.

There was a chance that a Paladin mount, magically intelligent and divinely bonded to their human, would've taken Lily. But, as Shon abstained, she chose to do the same. The kidnappers had their hands brought in front of them and were forced to jog behind, occasionally falling to be dragged until Shon ran over to help them up. The Paladins never slowing their mounts' trot. 

Lily rolled her eyes at Shon but helped him with the younger of the two. He hadn't been the one to poke her repeatedly. 

She wondered where they would be sleeping when they did finally reach the city but was in no mood to ask now that she didn't have to keep up a happy front for the others. She found out once they reached the west gate. Three representatives of the Temple of Hengist waited just inside the entrance, well away from the Horsa guards and Paladins. After each was checked for fever, and subsequently cleared of any disease, Shon broke away from the group to join his Temple.

Shon saluted his officers, and all three returned the gesture, the oldest clearing his throat and saying to the party members, "We've prepared rooms for you at the Temple," 

Lily glanced over to see Shon arch an eyebrow at them, but Yua sighed, "Please tell me that when you say 'rooms,' you mean actual rooms and not the barracks."

Shon shifted his gaze to the Ranger and his raised eyebrow to the other side, never dropping out of his posture of stiff attention. Only officers got private rooms, and allies were only allowed in the barracks if there was a spare bed for them. But the Paladin smiled at her and gestured for the city without answering the question. 

Ragther called from the edge of the much larger gathering of Horsa Paladins, not coming any closer to those of his god's nemesis. "We will summon you tomorrow Staff Sergeant, be prepared to make a full report." 

Lily rolled her eyes but held her tongue, letting Yua speak for her as the Ranger called out sarcastically, "Oh joy of joys! Paperwork..." The two youngest Hengist Paladins turned their heads away to hide their grins while Shon just sighed, closing his eyes but still not dropping that damn formal attention stance. 

The oldest Paladin noticed, "At ease, Staff Sergeant. Hengist smiles on the work you've done here." 

"Sir." Shon finally relaxed -marginally- and followed as the three led the group back to the Temple. Lily walked silently beside him, glad once more that he didn't feel the need to speak. Not that any of the others would've expected her to talk either. Yua looked like she was trying not to fall asleep on her feet, and Tuth hadn't looked up from the book, though his glowing green eyes had heavy bags beneath them. 

The Paladins did show them to the officers' quarters, causing Shon to blink in disbelief. Lily suspected he might actually insist that he, at least, be forced to sleep in the enlisted barracks. But when he opened his mouth, Ryuuko whistled loudly over him and even covered his face with its wing. 

He pushed the pseudodragon's leathery wing down and glared at it, but Lily giggled, and he sighed, saying only "Thank you, Sirs." saluting again to the officers.

They were each shown which of the rooms off of the central gathering area was theirs before they were pointed to the showers, also private. The Paladins took their leave, either to duty or their own homes in the city. 

Lily's belongings had been brought from the church and they each retreated to their own shower. Even Tuth, who finally put the book safely away in his bag. Lily opened her shower door but hesitated, watching Shon disappear into his own beside her. She'd promised... Nothing in the Temple... So with a sigh, Lily entered her shower alone. 

The room had two parts; the front served as a kind of entryway and had a bench along one wall, with a basket for dirty laundry at the end. On the opposite wall was a shelf full of fluffy white towels and soap, with thick warm robes hung on hooks beside it. Lily stripped and stepped into the shower portion at the back. 

It was so quiet, all by herself... She turned the water all the way to the hottest setting and hardly felt it as the scalding liquid hit her and quickly filled the room with steam. She looked down at the water running over her naked body, trailing over her skin and scales, making the ruby stripe glitter. Her long hair fell forward to cover her breasts, the gold sticking to and shining beside the red.

The Warlock Yarna's voice sounded in her mind, 'The polymorph wasn't even that well done, just look at you...' Lily squeezed her eyes shut and wrenched the water off. But her rough treatment of the handle wasn't enough, and she slammed her fist into the tile wall, breathing heavily. 

"Warlocks are mad..." she whispered to herself. Resting her head on the cold tiles, she sighed, but the porcelain warmed quickly under her touch. 

The rumble of a running shower from next door was the only sound in her room. Shon... She'd promised...

But they were private rooms, and she didn't necessarily want to do anything the Paladins -or he- might find inappropriate. They'd seen each other naked before, and Lily never did understand people's hangups with nudity anyway. And... he had enough discipline for the both of them...

Rationalizing, Lily grabbed a towel as she walked, moving before she could second guess herself. Poking her head out for a moment, she quickly scuttled from her shower room to Shon's, slipping in and closing the door behind her. 

Shon's room was so full of mist that she could barely see. He too had turned the water to its hottest setting, but as his skin was like ice, the response was significantly more potent than it had been for her.

A shadow moved at the other end of the room, and Ryuuko whistled. "Lily?" Shon called through the obscuring mist. 

He'd known it was her... She convinced herself it was because he knew that no one else would just enter his shower without at least knocking, and NOT that he'd been expecting her to break her promise. She dropped her towel on the bench and fumbled with the obscured shelf until she found another bar of soap.

Lily tried to make her voice sound casual. Innocent. "I just thought I could wash your back," She entered the shower and moved close enough to see his face, his black hair plastered to the sides of his head and down the back of his neck. She lifted the soap between them, "Nothing more, I promise."

Shon didn't smile, he tried to run his hand through his hair, but it got tangled in the long wet strands. Ryuuko chirped, ruffling its wings under the hot water for a moment, then took off to land on the bench, possibly to curl in her abandoned towel. Lily watched it disappear into the mist, and Shon whispered, "The Temple-"

He was going to send her away... "I just don't want to be alone," Lily interrupted. But she couldn't hold his icy eyes. Looking down, she let her arm fall with the soap. She'd promised...

Shon's cold hand brushed her cheek and traced down to her chin, lifting her face back to his. "Alright," he whispered. 

Lily resisted hugging him, barely, and instead grabbed him by the shoulders and forced him to turn around so she could wash his back, saying, "I'll be a good girl, I promise." 

Shon snorted, and though she thought he was implying doubt that she would be capable of such, she heard him mutter under his breath, "You're not the one I'm worried about..."

Lily worked the soap in small circles from the base of his neck down his spine and over each shoulder, deciding she'd miss-heard him. It didn't make any sense anyway. He had far more self-control than she ever could, and it wasn't like she was that hard to resist anyway. She wasn't even human, and he knew it now, no matter what he'd said back in the swamp...

It had been the heat of the moment. He'd had time to think since then, an entire day of walking, and he hadn't spoken to her in that time. A small voice in Lily's head said that that was normal. Shon didn't like to talk in general. It didn't mean that he didn't want to talk to her about what she'd told him... But another little voice knew the discovery had unnerved him.

She quieted both voices by filling the silence, "I'm glad this is over. I'm looking forward to seeing the Masters again. It's too bad it's so close to Winter Solstice. I usually like to be in a bigger city for it."

Shon hummed, tilting his head up and letting the hot water wash down his face as she worked the soap over his scars, "We could leave after." 

Lily stood on her toes to look around at him as best she could without touching him, "Really? But this is Horsa-" 

Shon shrugged, looking at her to say, "We've been here for weeks. What's one more?" he looked away again, closing his eyes and lifting his chin to the water once more, "Assuming they let us. I'll ask." 

Lily huffed and went back to washing his back, moving over to wash his ribs, "I think they owe us that much at least."

Shon hummed, but she knew what he was thinking. The Temple owed them nothing. But he didn't argue. 

The silence stretched again. "Where'd you get this one?" Lily asked, running her fingertips over a long thick scar across both Shon's shoulder blades. 

"Draken ax." he answered, "I didn't roll quite fast enough." 

"And this one?" she asked, poking him in the side where another scar puckered his pale skin. 

He actually had to glance down at that one but then answered, "Kobold spear," 

"And this one?" she traced one that ran along his spine down to his butt cheek. 

Shon sighed, reaching around to grab her soap-filled hand and turning to face her, "Bandit," he said, arching his eyebrow and adding, "We'll be in here for hours if you want to know each one now." He took the soap out of her fingers and gestured for her to turn around. 

She did, bringing her hair around to her front as he started washing her back. "You know, if you're going to fight without armor, you should try a little harder not to get hit," she teased him, "Look at me! I fight without armor too, and I can count my scars on my fingers," at least the ones that could be seen.

Shon huffed. "You sound like Master Veon-Zih," He started working the soap deeper into her skin, finding knots in the muscle and using the hard bar to massage them out. Lily moaned. She thought she heard Shon take in a shuddering breath and closed her eyes. It was her imagination.

"Well, he IS a Master. He would know," she said.

"Grandmaster..." Shon corrected, moving on to another knot and shifting the soap so he could work it out with his icy thumb. 

Lily groaned, letting her head fall back and speaking to the ceiling, "Are you trying to make me break my promise?" she accused him. 

He stopped. All was still for a moment, then Shon started regular washing circles again.

"Sorry," Lily whispered, "I'm tired, and not as strong as you are." 

"No," Shon answered, "You're stronger. You always have been." 

Lily shook her head, "It's all an act. And I'm so tired, Shon. I don't want to pretend anymore. Not with you." 

Shon's hands slowed, "What do you want, Lily?" he whispered, his palms trailing down to rest lightly on her hips. 

You... "I want to let go," she said, "I want to give up and give in. I want to give all my worries away for someone else to carry, even if it's just for a little while. My entire life, people have taken from me, and I've fought it, and I'm tired. I don't want to make decisions all the time. Sometimes I want someone else to do it, I want them to tell me what to do, but at the same time, I could hardly trust anyone enough to allow it.

"Maybe it's spite. Because no one seemed to trust me enough to allow me to decide anything for myself." She sighed, "I know it's not fair to you. This is just one more pressure. One more burden when you already have so much responsibility. And it's even worse now that you know what I am. Or, I suppose, what I'm not."

Shon's fingers curled on her hips, "You're not a burden. Never say that." 

Lily grinned, though he couldn't see it from behind her, "Thank you... But can you honestly say, now that we're back, that you still want me like before? If we weren't in the Temple, would you be glad I came in here?" 

He didn't answer with words. She felt the cool touch of his lips where her scales split over her shoulder, one line running across to her left arm and the other curving around to the front of her chest. Slowly, gently, he pulled on her hips until she pressed against him and felt it. Her breath caught and he whispered against her skin, "I follow orders, Lily. It's what I do and have always done. I gave up my power to make decisions because the only time I tried to make one for myself, it blew up in my face.

"And..." He hesitated, filling the time by wrapping his arms around her. Their wet soapy skin sliding easily across each other as he held her close to his broad, muscular chest. "I'm afraid. I don't trust myself to make decisions because I don't know if I'm strong enough to stop once I start." He nuzzled his face into her neck and took a deep breath. "But I'll do what I can for you. Anything. If that means taking control when you don't want it, then so be it. I just don't... I don't want to hurt you... I don't want to be another one of those people who only ever takes from you."

Lily held his arms tight, "You can't take what's freely given." She reached back to stroke his wet hair. His breath shook on her neck.

"You don't understand..."

Lily laughed, "No, I don't. But I want to. I want you." he held her tight, and she continued to explain, "I don't understand how you could still want me after everything that's happened. Back at the tribe and the tower. And I don't understand why someone as strong as you chooses to give all your power to the Temple. Or why you can't trust yourself when I trust you so completely. But I do understand what I want. And that's to give myself to you." She let her fingers lace through the back of his and pulled his hand down, pressing his palm over her belly and lower so he could feel how true her words were for himself, as he had done for her. 

She sighed at the feel of his rough fingers over her slick delicate flesh. She really was weak. She'd promised, and yet he was so hard behind her. His heart beating against her back as his fingers moved on their own. "I'm sorry," she breathed and forced a laugh, "I promised. But this is exactly why I need you to decide for me what to do. I'll do, or not do, whatever you ask. Whatever you need. Even if that means going back to my own shower." 

But Shon growled, reaching between her legs to reposition himself to slide over her, "I don't want you to leave. I don't want you to ever doubt that I want you. Always and everywhere." He slid into her. Lily gasped, her hands curling in his hair and gripping his wrist, "You'll never be alone again, Lily." He whispered in her ear, "Nothing, not the Warlocks, not the Temple or even the kingdom, will convince me to let you go." 

He made love to her slowly, gently, building her to climax under the hot water. It had been so long, she didn't even let herself care that he was clearly still holding back, even after all their words. He showed her that he still wanted her. That he really didn't care that she wasn't human. He let his teeth scrape over her scales and nibbled on her skin. Leaving his mark with sucking lips until she couldn't hold back her gasps, moaning his name as he spilled himself into her, their love flowing in rivulets down her thighs to mix with the water and drain away. 

"I love you," she whispered, her head resting back on his shoulder while the water washed over her upturned face. He'd broken the rules for her. To prove what he'd said at the swamp was true. She thought she knew what that must've cost him, "I'm sorry. The Temple-" 

Shon bit her neck to silence her, "Don't ever apologize for this, Lily. I've given him everything. I won't give him you." Him, Hengist. The one who'd rejected Shon. How could anyone, god or not, be so incredibly stupid? 

"I love you," she said again, finally turning to face him, wrapping her arms around his waist and resting her cheek on his chest, "Thank you." 

Shon stroked her hair, kissing the top of her head, then bent to pick up the abandoned soap and held it between them, "Can we wash for real now?" 

Lily laughed.

***

Shon let Lily sneak out of his shower to retrieve her things. No one was there to see her, but she seemed to find it amusing.

He carried his sword at his side while Ryuuko dug its sharp claws into the soft fabric of his robe and waited for Lily so they could walk together back to the officers' living quarters. They were the only residents. The place was reserved for visiting Paladins, which were nonexistent in Horsa territory. It was nearly impossible to get a Paladin of Hengist in, unless it was a station transfer, at which point they were given a house in the city and only used these rooms for overnight duty.

That wasn't to say the shared living space was utterly deserted. The room held two couches, positioned across from each other with a low table between, and a single round table to the side with hard chairs for dining or cards. Tuth sat at the table, the Warlock book open before him and his own book beside it, his eyes glowing again as he took notes.

He looked up just enough to acknowledge them and asked, "What took you so long?" then he shook his head, looking back at the book, "You know what, never mind. I don't want to know." 

Shon could feel the blush rise in his cheeks and ran his hand through his hair, grunting as his fingers tangled in the wet locks. Even Tuth knew Shon couldn't control himself enough not to break the Temple rules...

"You're still awake?" Lily asked the Mage. She tried to sound exacerbated but couldn't hide her anxiety as she took the seat across from him, her eyes focused on the book. 

Shon eyed his room longingly but followed to stand behind Lily, resting a hand on her shoulder. He knew he'd made the right choice when she reached up to rest her fingers on his. Ryuuko leapt from his shoulder, gliding over to land on the young Mage's head, blinking down at the Warlock book. The little dragon sent him an image of the pages. On one side was what Shon could only assume was writing. On the other was a rough sketch of what looked like a curled baby pseudodragon inside a jar. 

Shon recoiled instinctually at the crude drawing, his face twisting in disgust. They could've at least found someone with some skill. If this really was as important a log as they all seemed to believe. 

Tuth huffed at Lily without looking up, "Of course. I only have tonight... Or..." He glanced out the single tall window and the early morning light flowing through it, "... This morning..." he corrected himself, "... To take notes." 

Lily hummed, and Shon squeezed her shoulder a little tighter. She was back to putting on a brave face and even managed a shrug. "Find anything useful?" Seeing her like this, trying so hard to make it look like she didn't care when he could feel the longing, helped drive away the last lingering worry over his surrender in the shower. If he could take this stress from her, even just for a few minutes, he would. Temple rules be damned. 

Tuth sighed, setting his pencil down and rubbing his eyes as the green glow faded. "They wrote it all in some strange cross between a logographic system and a syllabary, and so much is just implied to already be known by the reader..." 

Lily stood, leaning over the table to look upside down at the book, "It's in draconic." she said, then sat back down, "I tried to teach you." 

Tuth blinked at her, his jaw falling open, "What... but what about these symbols? My translation spell shows they mean entire words on their own!" 

Lily just shrugged, "Yeah, those can be a pain in the ass, better to learn the syllabary part first." 

Tuth groaned and let his head fall forward to rest on the open book, speaking into the pages as Ryuuko crawled from his head to the table, "I'm tired, I should've known that's what it was. They are obsessed with dragons. From what I've managed to get through, they've been around since the extinction, and have been trying to bring them back. They claim to have created the draken, drakwalves, and even the wyverns, drakes, and leviathan. But none of that was good enough. Not until recently. Somehow they managed to create what they call elemental wyrms. Honestly, it's still way over my head. Something about crossing breeds within elements but out of polarity..." Shon felt Lily stiffen, but Tuth didn't notice and continued, "But even that 'success,' as they call it -and I don't understand how it could be, considering the amount of magic, materials, and actual lives it cost- wasn't enough, and they just started doing even more questionable stuff like here." 

"Even the success was a dead end," Lily whispered.

"Lily..." Shon squeezed, not sure if he wanted to chastise or comfort her. 

Finally, Tuth looked up to blink at her, "You..." Lily looked away, and he stood, "You think you're one of them? One of those five?" he looked down and flipped through a few pages, but he couldn't read them without his spell and shook his head, "So it did work?" he said, "That's why you're... Well... You?"

Lily turned her head to look to the other side, still away from Tuth, "Apparently."

Tuth's jaw hung open, and Shon cleared his throat, drawing the young man's eyes, "Lily is Lily, no more and no less." he said. 

But the Mage didn't take the hint, "If this is true, then she is way WAY more!" he argued. 

"Yeah, a monster and a dead end." Lily agreed, still not looking at either of them. 

"Enough, Lily. You're not-" Shon started. 

But Tuth interrupted him, "Oh, don't start that shit, Lily. You're the one who said it," He cleared his throat then quoted her verbatim, taking on a higher pitch in a mockery of Lily's voice. "The dragons weren't that kind of monster, even the bad ones. No more than bad humans or Horsa followers are monsters. Giorgos is the one that says they were beast-like-monsters. But they were intelligent, and some even say they taught the first Mages. Even Bede himself supposedly trained under a brass dragon." Tuth coughed as he finished and Lily stared wide-eyed at him, though if she was impressed or offended, Shon couldn't tell.

The Mage continued, "I'm assuming they used, or tried to use, a True Polymorph spell to change you into a human form. Probably easier than keeping something bigger than their towers hidden. Once grown, of course. This is fascinating! I need to talk to my mentor. He'll probably be able to draw connections I'm missing," He sat back down and started scribbling in his book until Ryuuko chirped and bit him on the ear. Partly at Shon's behest. 

Tuth smacked the side of his face, and the pseudodragon chittered, looking from him to Lily and back again until Tuth followed the look. He saw Shon's glare over Lily's shoulder and swallowed, then looked down at Lily and slowly lowered his pencil again. "Come on, Lily. I've been working with you for a full year, and you know I can't dismiss evidence I've witnessed with my own eyes. You're not a monster. Destructive and reckless sometimes, sure, but not all the time."

He grinned, half his face twisting into a rueful smile, "I, for one, am grateful you have some red in you. According to my research since Lenare, golds were supposed to be as unbearable as Paladins." He gestured with his pencil towards Shon, "I can hardly deal with his misplaced loyalty to the letter of the law, let alone if it was both of you." 

Shon huffed, but Lily giggled, and he couldn't help but smile down at her as she looked up at him, her ruby scales glistening beside her golden hair. She returned her eyes to Tuth, "Thanks, Tuth." then she smacked the table, making him jump, and shook her finger at him, "But I'm not giving any more samples just because it's you. And never for free."

Tuth actually whined in disappointment, making Lily laugh again. Shon shook his head while Ryuuko twittered. 

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